The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
