Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
