She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I'm always down for nudity.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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