your thong is hanging out like whoa
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Randomize
