put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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