First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
