so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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