if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
