I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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