her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
