And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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