so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
