I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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