Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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