god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize