she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
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