New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
