in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
So squirting runs in the family.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Randomize
