Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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