the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Randomize
