I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
