She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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