My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
