Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
