I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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