My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Randomize
