I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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