How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Randomize
