I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
