You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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