I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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