A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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