I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
