Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
someone owes me an orgasm
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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