I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
