I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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