I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize