Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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