when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Randomize
