turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize