so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
