HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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