this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
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