so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
