You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
