How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
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