I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
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