I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
