Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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