areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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