I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
