I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize