btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
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