Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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