I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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