Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Come on in and take your pants off
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