You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
