He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
we're chasing vodka with high fives
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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