mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Well I just put wine in my tea
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Randomize
