I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Randomize
