Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
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