if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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