I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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